January 13, 2020 

When I don’t want to be somebody, then I will be done.

 Will Be Done – so I wrote that when I was 40. And Dad and I disagreed over what it meant. Trying to remember exactly what his view was (maybe he was right?*) but that’s actually a little off track. 

 As I become more absurdist, at least how I see absurdism – that nothing has meaning, especially in regards to ambition; Who am I trying impress? What is the point of “achievement” or notoriety other than the craving for acknowledgement, approval etc., as proof that we mean something, whether we’re a success and a winner or not, that we even exist, but we keep trying to find that meaning anyway? – my view has evolved. On one hand, that “when I don’t want to be somebody, then I will be done” means that when I no longer have ambition, I’ll be ready to die. But now, I see that perhaps I was 180 degrees off – that it really means when I stop wanting to be “somebody”, then I will be free and will live out my days happier. I won’t be done, I’ll be beginning.

Aha! But if that’s true, the lyrical premise can actually stay the same, but the definition of “somebody” and of “ambitions” change. My ambition is not to be acknowledged or approved by anybody but ME. It not about fame or glory or riches or “achievement”. Success is peace, and getting there is a very strong ambition. I don’t want to be “somebody”, but rather, that somebody is me! I just want to find me, love me, finally become me and live with me in peace. When I don’t to be somebody, but have become me… then I will be done! 

 Well… maybe I can wallow in my peaceful contentedness for awhile before being done. Doesn’t have to be instantaneous 🙂