It’s really hitting me hard today. We’re all struggling to adjust and adapt, to find some normalcy in this madness, to come up with a routine, to live in the moment, to find some joy and beauty among the fear and sadness.
Today’s a tough pill to swallow. I’ve always said that the saddest day of the year is the last game of the World Series. Today is even sadder.
It’s not just a game.
This too shall pass.
LOVE!
Facebook’s asking me, “What’s on your mind Joel”. Well, glad that you asked 🙂
Here’s something I heard today:
“My mother is not expendable, and your mother is not expendable, and our brothers and sisters are not expendable and we’re not going to accept the premise that human life is disposable,” Cuomo said. “We’re not going to put a dollar figure on human life.”
NY President Andrew Cuomo, March 24, 2020
May I be frank for a minute? I’ve been doing my best to remain positive, to not resort to invective, to post mostly positive commentary, to take the high road, to offer hope, to focus on “We’re going to be fine”. And I believe that the vast majority of us will be.
But I’m a little angry tonight. My step-son Jason just said, “Trump is a piece of shit” and I thought, “No. That’s not right. He’s like 10 pieces of shit fused together”. This fucking syphilitic, narcissistic, cloven hoofed, fucking loquat is going to kill an untold number of Americans with his “commerce first, what’s in it for me?” immoral, sick, psychotic, profiteering off of misery, bull fucking shit. And down in Alabamy, and Oklahoma, and in Evangelical *clusters*, ignorant buffoons are having their #COVID45 rallies and incubating mass destruction. And in some ways, that’s just fine. Let their God damned Lord sort it out. But what about the “collateral damage”? It won’t just be jackass trolls getting sick, and suffocating our health care system and stacking their neighbors corpses in refrigeration trucks because there’s too fucking many to bury and no one to bury them. Fer fux ache people. Do you EVER think about the rest of the world?
Breathe, Joel. Breathe.
Now breathe again.
Exhale.
Listen. I’m heartened that many, many state Governors are in charge now, not Cinnamon Hitler. I’m grateful to live in a state where California President Newsom is calling the shots, not this useless game show host and serial-failed businessman. And I’m grateful to live in a community that seems to be pulling for each other and, for the most part, following the advice of the Professionals.
Today was wonderful for the most part. I heard and saw a lot of beauty in this darkness (it’s everywhere if you look hard enough for it) and I loved and I felt love. And I know I’ll wake up in the morning (that’s the plan anyway) next to my Sweetheart, my soulmate, my wife and my Perfect Plague Partner. Yes, we’re scared and we’re worried, more for our loved ones and our neighbors and humanity in general than our own personal selves, but we remain optimistic that this too shall pass and somehow, something good will come of it. I KNOW it will.
For the survivors anyway.
Goodnight, my friends. Sleep tight. Tomorrow is another day.
LOVE!
Joel
P.S. OMG. Malachi Constant, Unk, the Space Wanderer just popped into my head. I think it’s the perfect time to read Sirens of Titan again! My favorite book and totally relevant to our current situation and the hope that I am cultivating.
March 22, 2020
I’ll say this about the pandemic. It has truly helped me focus on today.
I know I’m my best self when I’m living a life of gratitude, but it isn’t always easy to remember to stay in a positive space.
Until now.
I’m finding that, once I got past the initial terror and shock, and turned the news off, life has become great. I wake up each day next to the woman I love with all my heart. I’m blessed to work from home and tomorrow Nickie starts working from home too. I check in with my family and we tell each other that we love each other. I scroll past the horror stories on Facebook and land on the many positive posts where people are sharing music and humor and stories of kindness and hope. I feel such gratitude that we are healthy and fed, that we still have income and medical insurance. We are so blessed. We have what we truly need for today.
This afternoon, we drove on empty freeways enjoying the clearest blue skies we’ve seen in forever, arriving at the ranch where our horses were delighted to see us. We sat out in their pasture for hours, the horses coming up and putting their faces against ours. They feel the energy and just love on us as we love on them. Today, they actually led us to their leads, imploring us to take them to the hitching post where we groom them and let them eat the long grass. At these times, there is no worry in our worlds, just pure love. I’m so, so very grateful for today.
Afterwards, we drove to our favorite burger joint, hoping against hope that the drive through (which we’ve never used before) would be open. It was! The first words to come through the speaker were a cheery, “Thank you so much for coming”, to which we replied, “Thanks so much for being here for us!” I’m finding this everywhere I go. People actually seem happier, more courteous, nicer. Maybe it’s just the way I’m seeing the world, but either way I’m feeling a lot of love.
As far as getting sick, I’m pretty convinced that I’ve had this crud for a week or more. Seriously. I’ve had mild sniffles and headaches and sore throat and a pesky little dry cough. Of course, this is probably just first week of spring allergies, but if I remain convinced that I have low grade symptoms of the virus, I’m no longer afraid that I’m going to get it. Liberation from fear is so powerful.
Bottom line, I feel happier than I have in a long time. Every day is a gift, a miracle, and I’m so grateful for all of the blessings in my life.
As bobwhite once said, “Tomorrow’s gonna be what tomorrow’s gonna be tomorrow.”
Until then, today is pretty great!
Love to all! I hope you’re finding peace and hope and love and humor. You deserve it
January 13, 2020
When I don’t want to be somebody, then I will be done.
Will Be Done – so I wrote that when I was 40. And Dad and I disagreed over what it meant. Trying to remember exactly what his view was (maybe he was right?*) but that’s actually a little off track.
As I become more absurdist, at least how I see absurdism – that nothing has meaning, especially in regards to ambition; Who am I trying impress? What is the point of “achievement” or notoriety other than the craving for acknowledgement, approval etc., as proof that we mean something, whether we’re a success and a winner or not, that we even exist, but we keep trying to find that meaning anyway? – my view has evolved. On one hand, that “when I don’t want to be somebody, then I will be done” means that when I no longer have ambition, I’ll be ready to die. But now, I see that perhaps I was 180 degrees off – that it really means when I stop wanting to be “somebody”, then I will be free and will live out my days happier. I won’t be done, I’ll be beginning.
Aha! But if that’s true, the lyrical premise can actually stay the same, but the definition of “somebody” and of “ambitions” change. My ambition is not to be acknowledged or approved by anybody but ME. It not about fame or glory or riches or “achievement”. Success is peace, and getting there is a very strong ambition. I don’t want to be “somebody”, but rather, that somebody is me! I just want to find me, love me, finally become me and live with me in peace. When I don’t to be somebody, but have become me… then I will be done!
Well… maybe I can wallow in my peaceful contentedness for awhile before being done. Doesn’t have to be instantaneous 🙂
Good Lord, is it really 2020? Not much more to say other than I’m revisiting my old website, trying to fix shit that got broken (my entire media library is gone! Broken links everywhere…) and find something better to do with my time than play solitaire or do crossword puzzles. Hope it’s fun 🙂
And how better to start the new year than to attach a screenshot from me in Chaka Khan’s 1985 music video for her hit Through the Fire? I’m the skinny guy on the left 🙂
Happy New Year.
I have so much to be thankful for.
I enjoyed a truly delicious feast with my wife and four of our kids this evening. Good food, great company and, of course, we are all constantly entertained by my Grandson Javi. Javi is 13 months old, so he is a ball of energy. After dinner, sprung from his high chair, he is non-stop walking, or more like stumbling like a tiny little drunkard, bouncing off of things, falling on his butt, getting right back up and doing it again and again and again, grinning all the way. You try to pick him up, well… you know how babies are, when you pick them up, they turn to liquid and dribble down the front of you ’til they’re back on the ground, off to wobble another lap around the room.
I pull out my screen to show Molly the awesome new Beatles video (Glass Onion). She’s totally into it! And Javi wanders up and leans on my thigh. So I pick him up, put him on my lap and this is what we looked like for the next half hour as we watched damn near every Beatles video on iTunes.
All through it, I’m rocking him to the beat and he starts grooving out. LOL. A couple of times, I stopped and he looked at me like, “Hey! Don’t stop. Let’s rock!”
The next generation of Beatles fan. Yeah, yeah, yeah 🙂
LOVE!!!
Hardest thing in the world for me is to finish recording a song.
I was blessed to have this simple little ditty show up late the other night, with the music nearly complete. I thought, “It’s just a little folk song, but WTF – accept the gift and be grateful for it”.
When I woke the next morning, the lyrics were running through my brain.
All I had to do was sing them.
Your Little Love Song
Well I’ll just be your little love song
And I’ll tuck you into bed at night
And I’ll be your sweet lullaby
So hold your head up high.
Ooo-oooh
Don’t let this make you cry
Ooo-oooh
I’ll love you ’til I die
Well I’ll just be your little love song
And I’ll tuck you into bed at night
And I’ll be your sweet lullaby
So hold your head up high.
Ooo-oooh
Now look into my eyes
Ooo-oooh
I’ll love you ’til I die
Well I’ll just be your little love song
And I’ll tuck you into bed at night
And I’ll be your sweet lullaby
So hold your head up high.
words, music, playing, singing by bobwhite
© 2018 Hannah’s Dad’s Music/Samsongs BMI
I wrote and recorded this without ever getting out of bed 🙂
I lived in Los Angeles from 1980-1993. I made a lot of great friends there, started a long career, played music in damn near every club, heck, my kids were born there and my Dad lived out his years there. Guess that makes me part Angelino.
Back in those days, Tower Records and all of the big record labels had season seats, so I could pretty much go to any game I wanted. For several years in the late ‘80s, during the Dodgers’ glory years of Fernando, Pedro, Orel, Sax, Gibson, Scoscia… Opening Day meant a limo to the park, box seats behind the Dodger dugout and free food. According to my ticket stub collection, I went to over 30 Dodger games in 1986 alone (I lived 10 minutes from the park, so I’d go all the time, even if it was just for an hour before heading to a concert).
But my favorite Dodger Stadium memory happened in the 1st inning of Game 6 of the 1985 NLCS. This turned out to be a game of infamy for the Dodgers, the “Jack Clark game”. The Dodgers were leading 5-4 with two outs in bottom of the 9th, one out away from forcing a game 7, when Mr. Clark hit a heartbreaking 3-run homer. Three outs later, the Cardinals celebrated on the Dodgers field.
But back to the first inning…
Spoiler alert – Kenny G performed the National Anthem (we all took a knee for that one. LOL).
So, I’m getting settled in to my seat right behind home plate – IN THE UPPER DECK – when a guy approaches me and asks for my autograph.
I’ll say that again. A guy approaches me and asks for my autograph.
MY autograph.
I say, “Um… I’m not all that famous, Chuckle. Chuckle”.
And the guy replies, “I respect your privacy, just need a quick autograph and I’ll let you enjoy the game”.
And I say, “No seriously, I don’t think I’m who you think I am”.
But this dude is now all in. He can’t back down and folks are starting to take notice (“DOWN IN FRONT”).
He says, “I really don’t want to make a big fuss. Just give me that autograph please”.
Finally, I have to know. “Um… Who do think I am?”.
And he says…“You’re Kenny G”.
Me: “Um… No, I’m not”.
Him, getting frustrated… “Yes, you are”.
Me: “Seriously, bro. Do you think that, a) You play the anthem and then get seated IN THE UPPER DECK?! and, b) How do you suppose that I got up here this quick?!”
Then I actually pull out my wallet; show him my freakin’ ID and say, “Look. I’m not Kenny G”.
I swear to God, he looks at the ID and says…
“I get it. Stage name”.
Completely humiliated, he finally says, “Well can you just sign your name?”.
And I “autographed” his ticket stub.
True story – this I swear.
Listen, I don’t love Hillary, but I consider myself a realist.
Government is government. Neither Drumpf, nor anyone else, can wave a wand and be that “change agent” some of his followers fantasize he will be. There are lots of sharks out there and I believe Hillary is infinitely better prepared to swim those murky waters. Drumpf – he specializes in more murk. THIS ocean has “cyber and nuclear”. You don’t simply file for divorce or declare bankruptcy in this “game”. In this game, we’re playing for LIVES!
Looking at the latest poll numbers (NY Times, citing Huff Post database), shows Drumpf polling at an average of 43.18% nationally. I’m trying to understand that level of support…
I have no problem believing that 21.59% of my fellow Americans (“half of his supporters” fall into the “basket of deplorables” As offended as a few were by Secretary Clinton’s characterization, many more seemed rather proud of that tag. In fact, they embraced it, buying t-shirts and hats etc. from profiteers. Good for them. The Constitution supports their right to share their opinions, no matter what they’re based on (fear, hate, bigotry, misogyny, racism, a grossly over armed populace…)
And I have no problem believing that 20% of non-deplorable (generally speaking) Americans are simply dyed in the wool Republicans – they’ll vote red no matter what.
It is a few other folks who might decide our future as a nation, the nation we hope will continue to shine the light and lead the world.
When they were young, my kids asked me what the main difference between Republicans and Democrats was. After giving it some thought, I answered:
“Generally speaking, Republicans seem angry at everyone and everything, especially ‘the Government’, and they vent their rage by pointing fingers at others, while offering few positive solutions. In fact, they seem to relish saying NO to any solution put forward. Democrats, are ‘full of hope’, want to believe everything will be better in the future if we all just get along, often expressing this by trying to baby proof the entire country with speed bumps, an overabundance of handicap parking spots and ‘tactile warning devices’. In the end, everything is about money, although in a rare show of non-partisanship, both parties will deny this vehemently”.
I believe the truth lies somewhere in the middle, of course. Both “sides” seem thoroughly entrenched in their little frames, keeping real progress to a minimum.
For me, while I project more of an extreme left position, when I’m alone with me, I have to admit that I’m merely a bit left of center. Which brings me back to the start of this rant – the values of the Democratic Party are more in line with my hopefulness that we can support each other as a people, that Americans can stop the insanely self-destructive love affair with firearms, and that we can all choose love and peace over fear and hatred. To me, the latter is what Drumpf represents, and his voice, along with the deplorables who hear this dog whistle, needs to recede into the background of our national conversation.
I’m voting Blue.
My liberal friends.
Hillary? Bernie?
Not the most important candidates this November…
If we’ve learned one thing over the Obama years, it’s that Republicans have shown a great willingness to hold their collective breath until America turns blue.
So, grant them their wish. Please! Turn America blue.
Without control of the House or the Senate, President Sanders (or Clinton II) will endure much the same struggle Barack Obama has. The IMPORTANT elections this fall will be in the Congress.
Who are your Representatives? They are up for election.
Who are your Senators? Are they up for re-election this year?
VOTE!